Azula was walking her dogs when she notice a huge crowd of people excitingly walking towards something. She saw little kids, old men, women, parents and even teenagers. Azula noticed Jackie and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Where is everyone going this morning? Did they find Mr.Even killer?”
“No, the great Carnival is in town! You have to come see it! Jackie yelled excitedly. Azula decided to go and take her dogs with her.
Loud music could be heard from the enormous toll gates visible from a mile away. Closer to the entrance the massive structures of the rides could be seen; roller coasters, and Ferris wheels. Below, younger kids stood like statues watching the caged animals. The animals were displayed like diamonds, secured by metal bars with several padlocks. People gathered in lines taking turns staring at the animals, then rotating to examine the others. The animals were silent, glaring at the people, with not even a hitch of smile. Azula’s dogs begin to simultaneously run aggressively in two different directions. Azula couldn’t hold on to their leashes and fell to the ground. It was as if her dogs had suddenly become possessed.
Azula got up and ran looking for her dogs. But first she decided to look for Jackie to ask him for help. As Azula was running she notice a group of her neighbors going in to the police station which was a block from the carnival. But the police station was closed. Azula wondered why they were going in there. She noticed a girl with bright pink hair, and behind her was Jackie! Azula carefully observed them, they were carrying what looked like files. When they left Azula went in, hoping to confront Jackie.
“What are you doing in here ?” Azula asked.
“Nothing, nothing at all I was just trying to drop off an important mail for the police officers who work here,” Jackie said, laughing nervously, before spinning around and taking off.
Azula knew something fishy was going on. Somehow Jackie was connected to the murder of Mr. Evans. She longed to know what was going on, but didn’t have the time to secretly follow Jackie since her sweet baby dogs were lost.
“Where is everyone going this morning? Did they find Mr.Even killer?”
“No, the great Carnival is in town! You have to come see it! Jackie yelled excitedly. Azula decided to go and take her dogs with her.
Loud music could be heard from the enormous toll gates visible from a mile away. Closer to the entrance the massive structures of the rides could be seen; roller coasters, and Ferris wheels. Below, younger kids stood like statues watching the caged animals. The animals were displayed like diamonds, secured by metal bars with several padlocks. People gathered in lines taking turns staring at the animals, then rotating to examine the others. The animals were silent, glaring at the people, with not even a hitch of smile. Azula’s dogs begin to simultaneously run aggressively in two different directions. Azula couldn’t hold on to their leashes and fell to the ground. It was as if her dogs had suddenly become possessed.
Azula got up and ran looking for her dogs. But first she decided to look for Jackie to ask him for help. As Azula was running she notice a group of her neighbors going in to the police station which was a block from the carnival. But the police station was closed. Azula wondered why they were going in there. She noticed a girl with bright pink hair, and behind her was Jackie! Azula carefully observed them, they were carrying what looked like files. When they left Azula went in, hoping to confront Jackie.
“What are you doing in here ?” Azula asked.
“Nothing, nothing at all I was just trying to drop off an important mail for the police officers who work here,” Jackie said, laughing nervously, before spinning around and taking off.
Azula knew something fishy was going on. Somehow Jackie was connected to the murder of Mr. Evans. She longed to know what was going on, but didn’t have the time to secretly follow Jackie since her sweet baby dogs were lost.
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ReplyDeleteTopic sentences :
ReplyDeleteAzula knew something fishy was going on. Somehow Jackie was connected to the murder of Mr. Evans. These two sentences give good insight into how Azula could me more characterized in future blogs.
Question (something you want to know?)
Will your character go deeper into investigating Jackie and her actions?
one thing you are unclear about ?
What is the significance of the dogs getting away?
suggestion
I would make your character into a investigator of some sort to the cops and try to get more information on Jackie. This is really interesting!
Really good sentence (plot moving, develops character, really nice sentence)
ReplyDeleteThe animals were displayed like diamonds, secured by metal bars with several padlocks.
Any question you want to ask?
How do you know Jackie?
Something you’re unclear about?
Did jackie steal the evidence?
One suggestion to develop character
Collaborate with people you mention, there seems to be some discrepancies
What does your character look like?
Below, younger kids stood like statues watching the caged animals. The animals were displayed like diamonds, secured by metal bars with several padlocks.
ReplyDeleteWhat motivates you to want to learn about the murder?
If you didn’t know about the circus, are you disconnected from the social aspects of the town?
Make sure to communicate with the people you incorporate into your story